Creator Consciousness

Years ago I'd been bombarded with many downloads. Enough to keep someone busy for decades. If I'd had more self-awareness, I'd have recognized the time, patience, and the rest needed to integrate it all. Peaceful calm is a great medium for the transfer of knowledge. Excitement, on the other hand, can be a liability. But I'd never known a lasting peaceful calm, and had adapted to the world without it.

As a result, instead of taking a decade or two to sit with this challenging knowledge I began to excitedly perform a kind of magic. Without much thought, I projected this energy toward people I valued. You might think of it as prayer. Deep meditations and visualizations in which I intended, "I love this person and intend they could see what I see, and know what I know." This was nearly a scriptural refrain in my life, and one person in particular received that intention (knowingly or unknowingly) many times over a few years.

It wasn't that I felt I knew more and better. But what I did see seemed missing from this wise one's perspective. Part of my wish was to not feel so lonely in the reality I observed. Part of my wish was to see this person freed of various rigidities that reinforced a joylessness. And part of my wish was an egoic desire to be validated in someone else's eyes. In every way, however, I was like a 9-year old with his first BB gun. I simply wanted to shoot and hit my target.

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You'll Shoot Your Third Eye Out

In the famous movie A Christmas Story, young Ralphie asks mall Santa for a BB gun, and Santa warns, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." It's a heavy, repetitious foreshadowing in the movie, leading to the moment his very first shot ricochets to hit him in the face.

I, too, was warned. But I was just as insistent as Ralphie. Maybe I would have gone through with it even knowing what I know now. 
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It seems the cost of having my intention carried forth was to experience their energy imprinted upon me. I'd entangled myself with someone else, and this choice would inevitably produce a flood of more to deal with. But I hadn't thought through that. And so, what happened across years was the unexpected and quite painful integration of things my target knew, and that I'd been in denial about. 

I'd never considered how disruptive our differing perspectives were to one another.  How much my target could be disrupted by my energy, and vice versa. My compulsion is to simply keep striving for more information, more integration - a better map. And I wanted to share the joy of evolution in a mutually beneficial exchange. Even if that hurt. Because wouldn't everyone want what I wanted?

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The Gift of Fools

A favorite quote by James Baldwin comes back to me again and again.

"We cannot possibly expect, and should not desire, that the great bulk of the populace embark on a mental and spiritual voyage for which very few people are equipped, and which even fewer have survived. They have, after all, their indispensable work to do, even as you and I."

I understand it, but slow to integrate its wisdom. Learning day by day.

This polarity - my voraciousness versus Baldwin's perspective - suggests an important tool to explore humanity right now. People ask "If there are aliens or higher beings, why don't they help us?" People wonder why humanity doesn't grow and change. Well, maybe right now it's not best for every young boy to have a BB gun. Maybe we should be grateful they don't. 

It's taken me years of disorienting, crazy-making, painful struggle for my mind to peaceably hold what I see with some of the wisdom my psychic target (human) holds. Years. To pull together very different ways of engaging life and reality, and create a unique harmony.

I hope it's been more fruitful, and less painful, for the people upon whom I enthusiastically and haphazardly imprinted myself. Even so, I cannot deny part of me still hopes something stuck. Especially the part about surrendering to paradox and contradiction.

Why would a being who sees all descend to immerse in ignorance, and become The Fool?